What My Near Death Experience Taught Me
My entire life changed on January 1, 2004 after I had checked into a hospital with what I thought was the flu, but ended up being diagnosed instead with kidney failure, pneumonia, pancreatitis, anemia, a fluid filled lung, giardia, and AIDS. Then, the doctors gave me seven days to live.
On my deathbed, I had a stark revelation - that I wasn't ready to die yet. Not because I was afraid to die, but because I realized that I had never truly lived. I had lived the majority of my life ashamed of who I was, suppressing and hiding my true self because I was afraid to be rejected and abandoned by other people, never expressing how I truly felt to the ones I loved, never really feeling good about my body or good about my-self, and never truly pursuing my dreams or living life like I truly wanted to for fear of what people would think about me if I did, and the ridicule I might receive. In short, I had lived a life full of fear, shame, and suppression. And I just didn't want to end my life knowing that I had never really honored it by living it well and in full.
So I made a decision: I wasn't going to die, I was going to live. I be-gan to throw everything that I knew at the time about The Law of Attraction and "creating your reality" at my situation to heal myself.
And I did! In just four months time, I had miraculously healed my body, and was being called “The Miracle Child" by my entire medical team.
And I thought I had it all figured out - how the Law of Attraction really works, how to create my reality, and what it really takes to heal and truly live well. That is until I found myself back in that same hospital just a year-and-a-half later, with the same team of doctors, and THE EXACT SAME DIAGNOSIS.
Except this time, instead of seven days to live, I had 48-hours.
This time on my deathbed I knew that I was missing something, something that I hadn't truly learned about healing, didn't truly understand about what it really takes to "live a well life." So I said a prayer to my soul: "I'd like to know what it takes to truly heal, and live well. And please make it clear enough that I won't get it confused, and won't forget it again."
That's when I had what's known as a "near death experience" (NDE), in which I had a direct experience and conversation with my soul, and was told the medicines for truly healing my body, and flourishing my life: "to love yourself, and to live in alignment with the truth of the soul.”
What followed that NDE was a twelve year journey - my soul’s masterclass - where I learned a lot about healing my body, and flourishing my life, through a series of mystical and transformative experiences.
There were two main lessons that were at the core of my journey.
The first main lesson was that the health of my body, and the functioning of my life, were only, ever, a reflection/manifestation of my internal state/vibration (my consciousness and emotional state). This meant that AIDS and kidney failure weren’t enemies, punishments, or betrayals, but sacred reflections of the unhealthy/toxic internal state I had carried for so many years.
For most of my life, I had a horrible self-image. I felt ashamed of the shape and size of my body, due to all the teasing I received in childhood for being fat, and deeply believed that “my body wasn't lovable or enough, just as it was.” I was also deeply afraid of expressing my true self, due to all the things I had heard, seen, and been taught in my childhood about how being gay (which I was), and how being intuitive/psychic (which I was), meant you were unholy and didn’t belong, and that harm may come your way for being so. This created the beliefs in my consciousness that “there was something deeply wrong with me,” and that “it wasn’t safe in the world to truly be myself.” So in order to stay safe and to belong, I hid my true self from everyone for years, which ultimately led to me living a life that felt like suppression and bondage, instead off freedom and liberation.
Because of these feelings and beliefs, my vibration was not a healthy one, and so my body couldn’t be a healthy one either. For by The Law of Attraction: “As Within, So Without.”
Learning how to love myself was the path to healing my body. The more I began to accept/appreciate myself, unconditionally, to live my truth, and to make nourishing and respectful choices for myself, the better I began to feel about myself, and more I began to express my authentic self in the world. And like magic, the more I loved myself, the more my body began to heal. Often to the astonishment of my doctors. Loving myself was literally the medicine that took me from terminal disease to well-being.
The second main lesson was the hardships and challenges in our lives are not punishments, but sacred teachers/vehicles of transformation, that arrive to help us live more in alignment with the truth and energy our divine nature (our soul), and experience a more flourishing life because of it.
My journey with AIDS and kidney failure taught me a lot about the truth of who really am, who we all are. I learned that The Universe is never requiring anything to change or be different about me (or any of us), in any way, in order to be worthy or loved, for I am loved and wholly worthy simply because I exist. Not because of what I what I did or didn’t do, or what I had achieved or didn’t achieve, but because I was a facet of God, a holy and divine being already, which meant that I was always fully loved, supported, and cherished by The Universe itself. Which meant there was nothing wrong with me. Not with my looks, my identity, my sexuality, my body, my abilities, nor my life. Ever. That I was a holy, loved, and worthy being, in all of my human expression, at all moments of it. And that this truth about (about ALL of us), had never changed, and would never change.
The more I began to integrate this truth into my way of being (my beliefs, behaviors, and self-expression), the more worthy and whole I began to feel, and the more my entire life began to get richer, and flourish.
My intuitive gifts opened up, my relationships deepened and became healthier, my desires began to manifest with ease and frequency, and every area of my life began to taste and feel more glorious to me.
My life today is more beautiful and delicious than I could have ever dreamed possible before this journey began.